What does this world have in store for me?

Reflection

2010-08-16T07:55:00.002-04:00

Hello to my 3 faithful readers! I know it's been well over a year since I've been here. Well actually, not so much- see I have a Wedding Blog that I tried to keep up with, but now the wedding is over, I'm a married woman, and I came back here and read through all of my old blogs. Wow, what a wonderful way to reminisce about past relationships, ups, downs, and all that in between. I have had some crazy situations, which I'm so glad I put to words, because reading them back, it's as if they just happened yesterday.
So, now I'm married and have a stable and healthy relationship with the LOML. Now I'm not saying we are perfect, because we have our drama and issues like everybody else. But we both want the relationship. I've never known a man that wants to be in a committed and honest relationship and works on bettering themselves constantly.
Now I'm thinking about starting my blogging back up, but of course the focus has to change. Let me think about it and get back at 'cha.

New "All things Wedding Blog ALERT!"

2009-07-30T16:45:00.003-04:00

I created a separate blog: http://lusweddingspot.blogspot.com/ to talk about the pains and joys of wedding planning. Figured it would be safer in it's own section this way if family or co workers, or his friends or family get to it I won't have to explain guy #2, Mr. Pussy, the jamaican, etc! lol

Follow it! peace :)

I'm BAAAACK!

2009-07-22T20:58:00.007-04:00

So I've been gone away for a long time, and a lot has happened. I've been browsing through all of my old posts, laughing at the memories. Where do I start, let's see....uhhh I'm ENGAGED!!!!!!!! :) The LOML finally got his act right, and realized he couldn't live without me (insert laugh here) and moved me and the kid to Kentucky to live with him about 3 months ago. Notice I said 3 months ago!!!! Remember the 3 month curse I have (HAD). We are doing really good, although it was a little bumpy at first. We are planning on a late June early July 2010 wedding and I'm so nervous and excited. Here's where I am trying to convince him to have the wedding, isn't it beautiful?

Baby P'tron was born- but was a big ole fat girl! She's so cute and around the same time my little sister (the one I talked about using drugs at 15) had a little adorable girl also. I'm feeling all maternal again, getting soft for babies- but NO BABY FOR US right now! Here's the little munchkin that has my heart right now though:

Like I said earlier, I moved to Kentucky almost 3 months ago. We got a house in a really nice subdevelopment and it's been fun (and pain) decorating. Below's the front of the house w/my daughter and her poodle

That's all for now. I have a lot more to gossip about, but I'm tired and about to go to sleep for the night. I am thinking about starting a sister blog, that will be dedicated to all things wedding related. I don't think it would be a good idea to do that here, considering all the "other" talk I've had- but I'll decide soon enough.

Toodles :)

Are you still friends with your ex

2009-07-09T09:59:00.007-04:00

original publish date: 7/26/07
So I have to get this off my chest real quick. I'm going to go about this in more detail in my alter-ego blog but I don't have enough time to compose that so I'm going to ramble here for a minute.I've been IMing my BFF because this past week I've had 2 ex's contact me, "just to see how I'm doing". She has 2 ex's both of whom are engaged to other women, but still want to be friends with her. Now these aren't fly by night relationships. Not casual acquaintances, but actual long term relationship.When is it NOT appropriate to be friends with an ex. Would you be OK communicating regularly with someone you thought was your soul mate? Or once it's over, it's over?

Is Beauty in the eye of the beholder?

2009-07-09T09:59:00.006-04:00

original publish date: 7/31/07
What is more important to you when choosing a mate? Is it their physical appearance? Or something else?If I could define what I'm attracted to physically it would be a man taller than me (I'm 5'9"), at least 210 lbs, dark smooth skin, and a full beard is a plus. Now I've dated way outside of this, but I tend to fall so weak for a man that fits my physical desire- regardless to how bad he is for me overall.I figured as I got older, this wouldn't be so much of an issue. I've matured in so many ways, but this is one that has stuck with me and won't go away! I really hope I haven't passed my knight is shining armor by because I dropped him because he didn't fit my physical criteria

Another day that begins with Starbuck's (but OF COURSE!)

2009-07-09T09:59:00.005-04:00

original publish date: 8/24/07
I'm a Starbuck's-aholic! I'll be the first to admit that. I gladly "waste" $3.35 every morning to enjoy my grande, 180 degree, no fat, no foam latte! But the "regulars" such as myself know that it isn't just coffee. They know that the Starbuck's regulars all share something in common. We bond. We become friendly. It's just the Starbuck's way. In my alter ego blog, I mentioned how I switched cafe's, and I've been going to this newer one for at while now. There's a crew of motorcycle cops that are there every morning. But this morning was so funny that I had to share it. I did my usual, placed my order, smiled at the cashier, got my latte (for FREE - being a regular does have its perks). I walk out of the door, and wait to cross the street when I hear a voice behind me say "'Scuse me ma'am, do you need help crossing the street?" I look behind me and it's one of the cops. So I smile, and say "Well if you are offering to help, I'll accept the offer. This cops runs up to me, grasps me (very tightly) and I say "UH, are you going to STOP traffic?" (There were ON COMING CARS which was why I was waiting to cross). He says "For you? ANYTHING!” and he starts to cross the street, with ME attached to him. I was so tickled. Now of course there was only about 2 cars coming, but still, he made it look as though he was my bodyguard rushing me through a sea of paparazzi. He gets me to my truck, opens the door, and says “A beautiful woman like you will make me smile all day long” AWWWWWEEEE!!!!!! That made my day.
Guess I know who paid for my latte, huh?
Have a great day

Text Siggys, and those who take them personally

2009-07-09T09:58:00.001-04:00

original publish date: 6/20/07
I text, ALOT! So I decided that I would start putting signatures at the end of my messages. Although, everyone I text would get them, they would usually be directed towards someone in particular, a "hidden" message if you would.It's so funny to read some of the responses from my signatures. I've had stuff like 2k7 = Chg, ItsABTMENotU, GravityGoAway!. But I've also had positive tags like "LiveLifeLove" and...well that's the only positive one I can think of right now but there's been a couple positive messages. But one person takes each and every signature very personally. I mean EVERY TIME I change it, they have questions. Guilty conscious? Maybe if he'd treated me better when he had me, he wouldn't be worried about what I'm trying to say. Besides, if he knows me like he swears he does, he'd know that I've already said all I'm GOING to say to him.Another knows exactly when I'm talking to him, but he gets the message confused sometimes and if I have to EXPLAIN it, all the fun is taken out of it.And my girls LOVE IT! They always call me cracking up, because THEY GET IT! But of course they do- they are my girls!

Where do they come from?

2009-07-09T09:57:00.001-04:00

original publish date: 6/4/07
Those annoyingly obnoxious people that just don't seem to get the point. I sent a text message to a friend to see if he was going walking today. Here's the conversation:Me: You walking 2dayHim: yesMe: I'm going to join you..time?Him: 5:30Me: Nvr mind, won't b off work til aftr 6..maybe next timeHim: We can still do it...Only if u r wearin stilettos while walkin it out...sho me suminMe: uhhhh, huh? Well it's abt 2 rain nowHim: U do dat...And I will make it rain fo sho on u Ms. "I luv *$s!!!" now wut u kno bout dat**At this point I realize he's MISINTERPRETED my current signature line which reads "I luv *$s!!"...and means I LUV STARBUCKS. I have no idea what he THINKS it means**Me: WTF? OKHim: I will make it rain...oh so now u dumb huh? Boo boo da foolMe: Me dumb, no...but u are talkin crazinessHim: Tell me u don't know what makin it rain means...Ask a black man around u what dat means. he'll tell uMe: I meant LITERALLY....It's about to rain dudeHim: No shyt einstine**I don't respond**Him: what da hell..u would think I know that. I'm a mailman**I don't respond**Him: U R a genius**I don't respond**Him: But**I don't respond**Him: I love u...I doMe: OK **insert name here**Him: I hope u r laughinMe: I'm not**He calls.... I hit Ignore.Me: bzy ttylHim:Well I was jokin w/u**I don't respond**Him: Hav a good one at work ok...X's & O'sPlease tell me how he turned this conversation sexual. And why keep playing into it when u see I'm not responding to you. Are you that dayum obnoxious that you can't tell when you are annoying someone? I asked you if you were walking, and I've never gave you the impression that I was even slightly into you or attracted to you.SIGH

You big DUMMY!

2008-05-09T11:51:00.005-04:00

Now I am NOT the most grammatically correct person in the world, and I can admit that. It's especially hard when you are typing (and type as fast as I do) and working, and talking on the phone all at the same time. But one can normally tell when you just made a typo and when you are clearly on the verge of ignorance...sigh

Ok, the point of this post: my high school has an alumni website where you can join, create a profile, and communicate with former classmates. It's actually a wonderful idea and has been all positive, thus far.

So I'm being my nosey self and looking at random pages, and I come across some of the saddest posts. If you need a laugh for today, read on:

"HEY ! YAW IM 33 AND FEELING IT , I HAVE TWO GIRLS NOW AT THE AGE OF 17 AND 11 AND BASICALLY TRYING TO MAKE , OTHERWISE IM GOOD!! OH YEAH BIG UPS TO ALL MY HATTERS!!!!!"

- Oh yeah, well big up to you retarded clown! What's a hat-Ter?

"GIRL WHY YOU DIDNT TELL ME YOU FOUND DRIC , THATS O.K I HOLLARD AT HIM L.O.L"

- Same chick from above, does this say anything about her?

"loo said her and pam is going with us today is loo birthday!"

- Yeah, her again and she's still STUPID and I would HAT (hey that's how SHE spelled it, right?) to converSATE with her (insert straight face here). And I bet her name is LU.

"i have for children and i am a auditor at the renaissance hotel"

- you have for or four? I'm just saying though

I understand with all the Black Friday deals, Bundle packages, and Rebate checks, more and more people are able to get computers and now log into the Internet. But we've GOTTA do better PEOPLES

The story of the 26 year old

2008-04-30T11:19:00.001-04:00

The story of the 26 year old

I think back to when I was 26. I had just had a pivotal moment in my life. I had just crossed the threshold from being a carefree, energetic, spontaneous bachelorette to being a settled down career woman and mother. In all honesty, the motherhood slowed me down. Had that not happened I probably would have kicked it hard until I turned 30. At 26, I would have not dreamed of giving a 26 year old guy the time of day. It just wouldn't happen. I've been notorious for dating older men. The smallest age gap has been 2 years and the biggest has been 20. The only exception to that is the LOML who is 2 years YOUNGER than me.
So there’s this 26 year old that had been trying to take me out for a while. Now, I haven’t had the best of luck in the dating world, so I figured it would be cool to just hang out with him. We started talking every now and then, going to the movies, just having a very harmless friendship- I mean he’s 26 and I’m 31 for goodness sake! Well somewhere in between the casual dinners and movies we started having sex. Now I’m blurry on the why’s and how’s of how it started, all I am clear on is this guy completely surprised me! I mean, ok- stamina taken out of the picture (he's 26, he SHOULD have stamina) but even without that, the sex is absolutely mindblowing. I’m really glad that I started working out 3 times a week back in February, because I think without that I could not handle this dude. I mean he twists and turns me in all kinds of positions, he has a huge di*k (Almost bigger than the LOML- ALMOST), he has a crazy stroke. I mean the boy is bad! But he’s 26.
I can’t date a 26 year old. It just isn't natural, is it? I mean, he’s 26. I’m 31. I'm a business woman, a mother, I'm a “Grown Woman” as Mary J. would say. He's IMHO just now reaching the point where he should be starting to settle down. I've been settled for years now. He teases me and tells me that I need to loosen up a little, but to me he’s too lax. It wouldn't work, would it? Well, the sex is great, that I can’t take away from him. But he’s 26.
If I DID decide to start dating him, does that mean that I'm a cougar ?

The Dream

2008-04-25T08:30:00.004-04:00

I keep having this very weird dream. I've been having it for as long as I can remember, but it's starting to change, and is getting even more weird. It's even becoming a part of my daydreams and I'm starting to worry a little.
I remember years ago, I was probably no more than 5 years old; I was over my aunts’ house visiting. I was outside playing, and was running up and down the street. I remember running, while turning my head back and forth (making myself very dizzy- don't ask me why). I remember running directly into a utility pole which was right in front of my aunts’ house. I remember getting to her front door- but that's it. The next thing I knew, I woke up with a big ass bump on my head.
So the dream- In my dream, I actually never woke up. I had been in a coma for years! So everything that has happened to me has actually been a part of my dreams while in this coma. Going to college, all the drama, all the bad relationships, my child, and my friends were all a figment of my imagination. In the dream I finally wake up (as a 20 something year old- YAAAAY dream!) and get to basically start life (over). This was GREAT at first until I realize that I don’t have my child- who is the center of my universe. I also don't have my degree or my great career. So the dream becomes a nightmare because life as I "thought" I knew it doesn't really exist.
Now here's the twist: The more recent dreams are still the same, except HE's a part of it now. The LOML (love of my life)! Of course, because I'd been dreaming, he's not really the love of my life and I don't actually know him at all. This is just another blow to me when I wake up. But apparently (in my dream) he does ACTUALLY exist! And HE'S been in a coma for years as well! AND his coma came around the same time as mine! AND- he wakes up around the same time as I do! AND- he dreamed about me as well. So someone somewhere finds out about us and decides to get us together to meet. And we fall in love, and marry, and live the rest of our lives together. And the greatest part is that I get my child back...The beautiful baby that I dreamed I had while I was in the coma, I actually have while I'm with him. She's the EXACT same child from her looks to her mannerisms. The only difference is her father is who it SHOULD BE! WOW!

She's living the life that should have been mine

2008-04-21T07:53:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had that feeling? You see someone living the life that should be yours. You see someone benefiting from the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into someone else to get them right. Reality is hitting me hard this morning. I have an ex, he's actually my 1st real relationship (as much bullshit as it was, it was my 1st). He and I had a lot of issues, most steaming from the fact that we were young and trying to live our college lives while having this long distance relationship. We were together for 3 years then had this gray area for about 1 year. During the gray area time, I met and fell in love with the man that I know I'm meant to be with (whether that happens or not is another story). My ex tried and tried for a while to get us back. But my heart, my head and my loyalty had moved towards the LOML and all the pain that I went through with the ex wasn’t worth me going back. So he eventually moved on and is now engaged to one of the women that he cheated on me with. I found out he was with her a couple of years ago and also found out that they had been an on/off item for years (including the time he and I were together and the time he was trying to get me back). I also found out that she had no idea I was in the picture so I don’t have any bitterness towards her and in a way I ‘m glad that they have found what it takes to commit and become a family. But this competitive spirit I have inside of me is roaring mad! I mean, come on- how does the bad guy end up on top? How is it that she is able to have what I had been trying to get for years? It’s not fair! He should be miserable and unhappy and still uncertain about life! I mean, he cheated on me over and over again. He had 3, count them- 3 accused pregnancies during our time together, and the 3rd was his (mind you the 1st accusation was by the girl he is now engaged to). So I know I did the right thing by me to leave him for good. I know that I would never be happy with him, because I know what he is capable of, and the damage was done so long ago.
This weekend, I was over my cousins house, and we were talking about him and his upcoming nuptials, and my cousin says “Awe, he’s getting married!” then looks to me and says “Poor thing” as if to say I lost my chance and I fucked up. Well I say “He is marrying a woman that he cheated on me with. I left him because he constantly cheated on me. How am I the poor thing?” I swear I can’t win

YOU AIN'T GOTTA LIE- CRAIG!

2008-03-27T08:43:00.004-04:00

That is my all time favorite quote from a movie? Why? Because it’s the words right out of my mouth. I believe that if you truly respect a person, you will not lie to that person. For no other reason that pure respect- you don’t lie. Cleveland has the sorriest pool of men I’ve EVER seen! I mean they lie, cheat, and then make you look like the dayum fool. They try to make you feel like you did something wrong when you know in your heart of hearts you’ve been upfront and honest from the start. So what’s my drama of the moment you ask? Let me fill you in. I’ve been talking about Mr. Pussy for a little over a year now. And things haven’t changed much from where they were last time I mentioned him, and that means we never officially started a relationship. We still hang out, he still lives up to his name, but that’s about it. So I’d say around Nov/Dec I got a random phone call one night from a girl asking me if I’m “seeing Mr. Pussy?” She goes on to ask if I knew he had a girlfriend. I say “If you are his girl, then why are you calling me asking if I’m seeing him”. So she hangs up the phone, I question him on it and of course he plays the stupid role. I brush it off, but tell him that I don’t appreciate shit like that and to please keep his groupies at bay. I tell him that if he IS dating anyone I need full disclosure. He swears he’s not and then we move on. So one day I’m browsing Myspace and decide to check out his page. I see a pic of him and a girl (he’s a que she’s an aka) and the pic is titled “The woman and I”. So I send an email to him and ask him about it and he again brushes it off, tries the double talk, etc. Now because we aren’t in a relationship, I can’t question him on anything, and I am cool with that. But I do expect FULL DISCLOSURE. And I also expect honest answers. So now I’m cautious. I’m paying a little more attention to detail. I’m debating on just pulling the switch on this whole thing or waiting to see what happens. Everytime we hook up or are talking, I ask him about the girlfriend and he swears there’s no other. But he’s lying. I finally had enough circumstantial evidence to suggest that he is indeed involved with this Myspace girl. But since I already know I’m not getting any answers from him, I send her a message. I’m very polite, and explain my situation with Mr. Pussy to her. I ask her if she’s in a relationship with him because I can’t deal with lies and drama. She confirms their status and asks me a few questions. I tell her what’s been going on with with us for the past year and tell her that I’m done with it but I just needed verification and I apologized for bothering her. So that’s where it ends yesterday.

I check my messages this morning, and I notice from the last message she sent yesterday that her picture has changed. So I decide to click and view her profile and this is what I see:

So I guess he gave her the same bull he gave me and she’s decided to take his word for it, which is fine. He’s your man and you should believe your man, right? I also guess that’s a big “FUCK YOU!” to me, huh?

Well all I can say is that I did what I felt was right. I’m NOT letting a man play with my emotions or break my stride- so I’m better off and I wish them well

Why lie?

2008-03-05T11:11:00.002-05:00

I don't get it. I really don't understand. We are adults. We all have feelings. We all want respect. So why lie? Why say you aren't involved with anyone but you really are? Why involve me in that mess of a drama that is bound to follow behind your lie? Why why why?

Why be with me, take me around your family and friends? Why make plans to be with me for ever and make those same plans with someone else? Why lead me on for weeks, months, hell years knowing that your heart isn't true and your words are fake?

I'm a good person. I'm straight forth. I'm caring and understanding. I'm also very clear on where I stand- if you have someone, we can be friends. There's no hard feelings at all. But please don't get me caught up in a blind 3way. Please don't do that to me, because I don't deserve it. I don't want midnite anonomous phone calls from women trying to find out why their man has all of a sudden become distant so she's decided to go through his cell phone. I don't want someone knocking at my door with a child on thier hips whose eyes resemble yours. I don't want to think you are the one- and my search is finally over; only to find out there's another woman thinking the same thing about you. That's so cruel and you are a cruel person to do that to me.

And yes I become bitter! But can you really blame me? I mean I was honest with you from the start and I told you where I stood on this issue. So how are you now shocked because the bit*h has been stirred up? You bastard grow up and be a man!

Random thoughts- round 2

2008-02-11T11:00:00.001-05:00

So where’s guy #2?
My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't written about guy #2 in a while, and it isn't because we haven't been in contact. I was going to leave him and his business out of this, but this is reality and his reality has intertwined into mine. He's gone away- for 3 or 4 years (or something crazy like that). He finally confessed to me the reason he was acting like Cybil all last summer and it was because he knew he'd eventually be locked up. I guess getting involved would be a mute point, because it would be short lived. I was sad when he first told me he would be going away; he's a great guy who chose a screwed up path. But that's the breaks. I continued to do my thing and gave him his space to do what ever he was going to do until Dday. He called me that morning he was turning himself in to tell me he would really miss me, and I said the same, he said he'd write me and that was it. So today I decide to look at the Ohio Inmates search and pulled up his sheet. That's when it hit. That's when I became affected. It's so sad. He looks lifeless. Nothing like the man I adored. Nothing like the person I was getting to know.

Old Friends
When I graduated from High School, I was pretty much a loner. My clique broke up in 93 (over some stupid high school stuff) and my last few years I decided to roll solo. It was cool, because my crew actually all ended up dropping out, except for one girl who transferred. So I went to college and had no ties to my former life. My college buddies became my life long friends and I really don't think back about the high school times.
This past week, I've ran into 3 of my high school classmates, just on a humble. One of those three was my absolute best friend (the one who transferred). It's brought up some serious emotions, especially when I ran into my best friend. She's still the same chick as real as can be. She told me she was in contact with the other 2 girls we hung with for a minute. But just to see her made me nostalgic. We had so much fun back in the day. We got into SO MUCH TROUBLE back in the day. We were 5 honor students (4 girls and 1 boy) and we used to get into so much stuff. We caused mini riots, we fought constantly, and we were always causing disruption in class. You would have never thought we were all carrying GPA's above 3.5. Makes you wonder why 3 of them dropped out, huh?

How was Buju?

WONDERFUL! Thanks for asking. My family is kind of upset though because I didn’t go and visit anyone while I was in Chicago. But I was really only there for 1 day and I was TIRED! So I slept half the day and well- it doesn’t matter. I didn’t call or visit anybody but the family I was staying with. I went with one intention- to see my man. And he was so darn HIGH! It was comical how twisted he was onstage. Collie Budz is a fine ass man! And Wayne Wonder is a smooth dude. I peeped the band though, so I chose to focus on Buju (I KNOW HE’S MARRIED TOO BUT HE’S STILL MY MAN)

Baby P’tron

My brother (actually my cousin) is expecting his fourth child!!!!! His wife really didn’t want anymore kids so she went to the dr. to get an I.U.D. and the doc informed her that she couldn’t get the birth control because she’s preggo! She cried and cried for days then found out she’s 2.5 months. Um, well she’s kicked it HARD over the past month (I know cuz I’ve been with her) and she was drinking Patron like it was water….So I told her I hope it’s a boy because I will be calling him P’TRON!

The Soldier Boy effect on my daughter

Well, just see for yourself

This was when she was LEARNING the dance:

And NOW (she’s PERFECTED it!)

Now Accepting Applications for new friends

2008-01-16T09:10:00.000-05:00

minimal requirements: not into drama, would never mess with anyone I've ever dealt with (NO EXCEPTIONS), hard worker, loves REGGAE, accepts and returns brutal honesty, willing to party like a rockstar every now and then but doesn't LIVE to party, family oriented

I need to meet some new friends. I have NO ONE that I can kick it with. I mean real deal, let's kick it! I have tickets to a BIG reggae concert in Chicago next weekend. I have 1 girl that is into reggae like me- so I just KNEW she'd be down. I call her and tell her "free tickets to Buju, Wayne Wonder, ETC...and her response (just like mine) was HELLLL YEAAAH I'm down. Her exact words. She said "OH, I'm gonna make a way to go to that!" So it's on! We are goin to the concert next weekend, right? WRONG! HEFFA backs out on me last nite. sigh

Well it makes it easier on me cuz now I don't have to rush back to Cleveland, I can stay the whole weekend. BUT Dammit! Why is it that my girls don't kick it like that? I mean I know chicks that posse up and do cruises, casino trips, tropical vacations. Why can't my girls do that?

Well, it ain't gonna stop my flow. Child care arrangements have been made, flight will be booked today- BUJU I'm on my way!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

2008-01-15T12:04:00.000-05:00

He doesn't know my dayum name!
So I met a gorgeous Jamaican last month. This man is so right in so many ways. We've hung out a couple of times, we talk almost daily and I noticed that he calls me baby but don't remember him using my name. So we were talking last night about last names. I had just told him mine about 1/2 hr before, and he asked me again. So I'm like "I just told you! Why don't you remember? Do you remember my 1st name?" And he got this perplexed look on his face. I'm like "OH HELL NO! YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME!!!!!!"

SWALLOW! Will ya?
Don't you hate it when you are talking to someone who seems to have a mouthful of saliva at all times? And it looks like it's packed up in the corners of their mouth. Makes me wanna say "WILL YOU SWALLOW ALREADY?"

I must have been doing a whole lotta channeling
Cuz about 1 hour after my last post about my obsession with Gargamel (Buju Banton) I got a vm from my cousin/sister/bf in Chicago. She'd said how she came across FREE tickets to see Buju, Wayne Wonder, Collie Buddz, etc next Thursday. She was seeing if I wanted to go....UHHH HELLLLLLLLLLLL YES! He's been so heavy on my mind lately. I just knew that phone call was the start of my destiny being laid out for me until-

HE'S MARRIED! WITH 8 KIDS!!!!!!
I mean, who has 8 kids now a days? This weekend, I'm telling the Jamaican about my come up on the Gargamel tickets. I also spill the beans about my infatuation with the man (because the Jamaican wanted to come so I told him that it wouldn't be right- I'd be lusting and acting a fool and can't do that with him sitting there looking at me). Then a commercial for Celebrity Apprentice comes on and Lennox Lewis flashes across the screen and I giggle. He says "I know you don't have a thing for him too?" and I say "No, he's married. I don't lust over married men" So why does he feel the need to say to me "Well, you don't know that Buju's married?" I wanted to CRY. I say "NOOOOO! he can't be!" He tells me to look it up. I search the Internet for any reference to my future husband and a current wife....I find 1 article. I read the entire (LONG ASS) article and the very last paragraph mentions how he lives in Jamaica with his wife and 8 children. Now the article was written in '03, so my immediate thought is "he could be divorced now" but it's then replaced with "EIGHT KIDS!!!! I can't EVEN!" So the Jamaican says that there's no need to lust over anyone but him now- he's not married and right here in Cleveland and available.

She was mad at me
My cousin was actually mad because I told her I couldn't help out with her surprise birthday party for HER HUSBAND. I had to call her and talk to her and we straightened it all out, but THE NERVE! sigh- If she wasn't something like the big sister I never wanted I would have had to kick her to the curb, but I love her too much for that- so I'm going to help out at the party, clean up afterwards, and keep it moving

He's BAAACK, well sort-of
I've been battling this fight with him for years. I lost in '06 and went back to him, but we ended the relationship at the end of that year. I PROMISED myself that was the end. I said I was through, and there was no going back....ever ever again.
Well, I'm holding true to that, but he's making it so hard. I made sure he couldn't contact me so instead he started going through my bff. Eventually lines of communication between us opened back up, and we are on speaking terms again. He says he needs to see me, he wants to talk to me face to face. I've been standing firm since August, but he's wearing me down. I'm getting weak...help me! I've said that if he makes the effort, I won't knock him...but I'll be dayum if I stick my neck out there again. sigh

I get so turned on from just looking at him

2008-01-11T11:04:00.000-05:00

He's tall and skinny- the one thing I dislike in a man. I like my men big.... I want to feel secure and comfortable. And I get this feeling from a man that's taller than me and with a frame bigger than me. But this man, every time I see him I am floored, I freeze, I cheese, I gaze. It's unbelieveable that I want this man so much but I've never meet him. I am actually scared to meet him because I'm scared of what would happen. I am sure I would loose all morals, values, and standards just to satisfy this craving I've had for him since I was a teenager. Who is this man you say? Who has me so strung out that I can't function even by just hearing his name (I get moist from hearing the name alone)

I present to you, My crush Mr. Buju Banton (check out the 30 second mark- I'll go and faint now):

He's not my family!

2008-01-10T15:32:00.001-05:00

I got a quickie! My cousin is planning her husband a huge surprise 40th birthday party. I think it's a great idea. However, she has refused to ask for help from his family. Instead she has been asking our family members to do certain things. Now I like him, I have to put that out there first. He's a great guy, but how are you going to ask your side of the family to bring dishes, and just allow his side to "just show up". That's some bull that I'm not feeling. And he's said on more than one occasion how we are "insert wife's name here family, not his.” So shouldn’t his wife be going to HIS family asking for contributions? Or am I missing something?

Wow, she hit the nail dire-Ctly on the head

2008-01-10T10:51:00.000-05:00

I got this from Serena Williams website (she blogs there) but its so much on point that I had to repost it here:

You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me..... You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he wants to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together. He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy.

As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Wasn’t you giving him enough? Space. Hummm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again u knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your hear telling you to "watch out". "Be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but u cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think.... Will it happen again.

The Maintenance Man

2008-01-03T16:07:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one? You know, the reliable man you call upon when you need a great night of passionate sex. I read Michael Baisden's book several years ago, but at the time I didn't completely understand why this man would be needed. I thought, as a woman, you can basically have any man you want to do anything you want. So why get involved in this purely sexual encounter time after time knowing that it will not go anywhere. Well, I hit 30 and realized that while guys came easy 7-8 years ago, that's not so much the case now. Now, my standards have changed. My needs, desires, and aspirations for a relationship are so different now, as my views on sex that if I continuously wait on "that one" I'll turn into a born again virgin (and I've done the celibacy thing already). So if I have the Maintenance Man tune me up every now and then, this will allow me to explore dating with a whole new outlook. I can lay out the ground rules up front- NO SEX for a determined amount of time to make sure that we match up on all levels. It looks like my cut off point is 3 months, so I say no sex for 4 months while we date and have the Maintenance Man on call to relieve me. Wonder if that would work for me? Wonder if the guy I have in mind would agree to this delicate position? hummmmm...........

The 3 month curse

2007-12-18T08:43:00.001-05:00

I am cursed. I know I am. I don't know how this happened. But I know it's so. Here's the deal. Let's start with "the breakup of 06"...Now technically that relationship lasted a lot longer than 3 months (try 7 or 8 years off and on) but our on for the last time was 3 months (give or take). Things were going great. What's better than rekindling a flame with your first love? Especially after all that we went through with and without each other. But then something happened. I can't say exactly what it was, but I felt it in my gut that something was wrong. I know this man. I know his ins, his outs, his ups and his downs. So I KNEW there was something wrong. I tried to not react (because I had nothing to react to, he was constantly telling me that he was cool and things were good between us). Then, one weekend I don't hear from him. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but this particular weekend, I was dealing with my mother being in the hospital and needed someone to talk to- I needed to talk to my man. I leave him messages and he doesn't return them. This is totally out of his character. He finally calls, days later and says the one thing I didn't need to hear "I don't want to be in a relationship".

So I get over that. I vent, I cry, I move on........Start seeing a new guy. Actually, someone I knew over 10 years ago (strictly a friend at that time) but this time we decide to start seeing each other. He's 38, never been married, no children, career driven. I'm 29, single parent, career driven. So we are good, for about 2 months. Then something happened. We started bickering a little bit too often. The routine we'd created changed. The conversation got dry. And into the 3rd month, he tells me that he doesn't know if he's ready for a family. That pissed me off. I made sure to keep him seperate from my daughter and we were only DATING. So I moved on (and he called begging me back a couple months later saying how he made a big mistake).

So here we go again- about a month later I start interacting with Guy #2. Now I just knew he was safe, because of the way I met him. I knew that I wouldn't get involved with him. We had similar music interests so I figured he'd be someone I could hang out with, NSA, and just have fun. HA, yeah right- he ends up my point of fixation for about, oh say 3 MONTHS. That's how long it took for me to realize that we were never supposed to go where we went, and i needed to back up real quick.

I decide to take a break and stop looking for this man that I think I'm ready for. And while I'm chilling, someone unexpected comes along and we start this nice "thing". It's undefinable for a while, but about 2 1/2 months ago, we decided to call it a relationship. But SOMTHING'S HAPPENING. We've vibed so good for so long, but the vibe isn't right now. The interaction is dry and blah. I seriously starting to doubt that we will make it, but I don't want to give up. I don't know if it's this curse or the fact that he's just not for me.
We had a bad "disagreement" this weekend, and yesterday I told him that we needed to take some time apart to think about what it is we want, and if we are willing to give each other what it is we need. I told him that the only way I could continue with him is if we can go back to where we were 2 1/2 months ago. I don't like the place we are in and I'm not staying here. I think I'm regreting the decision though. I don't want to take time apart. I want to talk to him. I want to call him. I want this b.s. to go away and I want us to get back right.

Love sucks-

It's over- DAMMIT

2007-07-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

I have to get this off my chest real quick.

I've been IMing my BFF because this past week I've had 2 ex's contact me, just to see how I'm doing. Now these 2 ex's, well - let me take them on one at a time

1st ex wasn't that deep of a relationship, but he basically decided that he didn't want to be involved with someone with a child. Ok, your lost. I was PISSED, but got over it and moved on. Now for the record I'm no tack head that got knocked up by some corner hustler. I'm a very grown woman who was in a relationship with a man with a plan of eternity. The plan didn't work, but we have a beautiful daughter that we raise in complete harmony. We are co-parents, at its finest and it works for us. So I was offended by this brothers move (because he was aware that I was a mother before beginning the relationship and he also had very limited access to my daughter). But again- I couldn't hate him for his preferences.
So why on gods green earth does he call me sunday, out of the blue. We have a very general, very bland conversation for about 1 hour (again, trying not to SHOW that I was affected by his decision). I get a text from him later that night saying that he still cares about me and misses me. Now, the FUCKER didn't even have the decency during our hour long conversation to once ask how my daughter is doing. He ALSO didn't ask anything about my mother, who was dealing with breast cancer when I was with him. Then he calls again several times monday- all calls get ignored. He calls a couple times tuesday, and sends another text message (something like he wants to stick his tongue in my love hole to which I reply- U got issues)....So now the bitch has come out- in full mode. I call him:

Me: what's up? Why are you calling me?
Him: just wanted to see how I'd been doing.
Me: BULLSHIT, you did that sunday, then you send stupid ass messages- what's up? What do you want?
**crickets**
Me: "you haven't called in months, why now?"
Him: "Well you haven't called me either"
Me: "EXACTLY! Months ago I wasn't good enough for me. Months ago you didn't want to be in a relationship. Months ago you didn't want to talk to me anymore, but now you have the nerve to just start calling and sending text messages as if nothing ever happened. I talked to you sunday with no problem. I endured your corny ass jokes, I even ignored the bullshit text sunday night. But you've overstepped your bounds with this last message. Your a selfish asshole"
Him: "O, so I'm an asshole. Ok, I won't call you anymore. Is that what you want?"
Me: "Do you have anything else to say?"
**crickets**
Convo ends. ........

Now today, the one guy that I just KNEW I was going to be with for the rest of my life (see all old posts about love and all that other bullshit), and ironically enough the guy who I was with before dude above sends an email today saying he just wanted to see how I'm doing and would love to talk to me.
Mutha-fucka for why? I'd already told him that the on again off again thing ended with the last round. If we didn't work out, we needed to move on because it wasn't fair to keep going back and forth. We didn't work, we've moved on. He calls my BFF to find out how I'm doing. What's up with that? I got my cell number changed so he couldn't call me so he calls her instead.
My BFF has an ex who's getting married. And this bastard wants to call her and share his joy with her. Now mind you that they were high school sweethearts that went off and on through out college and into adulthood. So there's a long history. Also, they were together a few months before this engagement. Now, I guess I'm happy that dude found his mate, but negro you ain't got to rub your joy all up in my girls broken heart. And she's to dayum poliet and sweet to tell this fucker that she's hurt by the action. Happy for him, but the shit hurts! She thought HE was going to be the one, and he turned out to be- the one for someone else. I mean invites to the wedding, calling talking about the ring and plans for the future with the OTHER woman- COME ON! I was so upset that I wanted to call him myself and curse him out, but it isn't my business. So I just try to control my hot head, and support her- but I want to slap the teeth out of his mouth

Call me Capt’n Save-A-Negro

2007-06-18T14:14:00.001-04:00

Guy #2. Sigh- I tend to find lost causes, and try to help them be better than they are. I guess you can say I try to upgrade them. I judge a person by their character, and that judgment may shift, based off what they show me further into the relationship. Guy #2 has issues, some serious issues. He has a tendency to say one thing, but act a totally different way. He also kicks it- hard. Ok, I’m not going to hate because I’m a homebody. I go to work, and go home. I hang out maybe on a Friday night every once and a while. But for the most part, I enjoy the peace and relaxation of being home. He plays these head games. He says he likes me so much. He really cares about me and hasn’t had this type of feeling in a long time. But then he doesn’t call for days. THEN when he does call, it’s to question me on why I hadn’t called. I’m too old for games like that, and I don’t like to be questioned, so those comments get ignored. He says he doesn’t call because he’s trying so hard not to get attached. But then, after a night of kicking it, he calls and wants to spill his guts to me. I begin to get bored. While the cat and mouse game is cute for the 1^st couple of weeks, several months in and it becomes too much, too boring, and I lose interest. Oh, and let’s not forget about the other chick. Oh, yes, there’s another chick involved. How do I know you ask? Let’s just say fate doesn’t allow bullshit to grow for long before being exposed. But he doesn’t care about her. He was just confused about me. He should have never ever messed with her. He just didn’t know how to handle his feeling for me. So I tell him we need to talk. We need to get all this shit out in the open, and decide what we are going to do. I’ve been very compromising up until this point. But it’s time to set some definite boundaries. We’re supposed to talk Thursday. But I don’t hear from him. He IM’s me Friday and we try to arrange this session for Saturday…Again- he’s a no show. Now he does text me, in the middle of the night- but I ignore him and continue my journey through lala land. This morning- another IM and I blow up. But at the end of the IM’ing, I’m the bad guy. All he did was IM me to say hi and see how I’m doing and he got cursed out and called a child. So I ask if he was really offended, he says yes, a little. I tell him he’s not half as offended as I am and that’s the end of the conversation. So another one bites the dust

Guy #3: Mr. P*ssy Revisited

2007-06-18T12:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I’ve talked a lot about Guy #2…and I updated you on the drunk (Guy #1) but let me give you the scoop on Mr. P*ssy. We’ll call him Guy #3. We’ve kept in touch since our encounter. But I’ve told you about my phobia of being seen in public with the guy who has a good word of mouth (http://lulifeandtimes.blogspot.com/2007/01/lets-talk-sex-citys-mr-pssy.html ). So I haven’t really entertained any thought other than he and I being cool. But he’s been kinda of verbally persistent about us getting together. Now I say verbally persistent, because up until recently it’s been all talk. I’m a show me girl. Don’t talk about it, be about it! Ya dig? Lately, Guy #3 (It’s so hard not to call him Mr. P*ssy!) has been showing up. The calls have been getting more consistent, the dates have been more often, and the conversations are just flowing. Yesterday was a perfect example. We decided to hang out at the lake. So we got a blanket and headed out to this new extension to a very popular lake. It was cool, because the new extension isn’t crowded at all. So we lay around and talked for what turned into a couple of hours. Before we knew it the sun was getting ready to set. So we joked about marking that day down in the calendar as the 1^st sunset that we watched together! It was funny, because while the sun was setting, we were both in our phones trying to document the day and time in the calendar. We almost missed the whole thing! lol.

But I have made a promise to myself. I’m NOT going to screw him (again) - well, at least not until we’ve determined if we are actually going to become an item. At this point, I’m not too sure, but we’ll see what happens.

What would you do? More on Guy#2

2007-06-07T13:43:00.000-04:00

I like him, alot. I can admit that I do. And it's not just sexual; even though it helps that he's absolutely wonderful in bed. But he has this thing about him. It's a little bit of mystery mixed in with genuine kindness and a little touch of thug. He has this deliciously dark skin that makes me tingle when I look at him. I adore him. I'm a pro at hiding my feelings though, and he's been trying to pull them out, but failing miserably every time. He'll go days without calling, expecting me to call him and flip out. But after he realizes that I haven't responded, he'll call or IM, or TXT me and HE flips out. And I nonchalantly reply that he is just as capable of calling me as I am of calling him. He’ll ask if I miss him, I reply “Maybe” and he’ll say “Well I was coming over but now I’m not”. I’ll keep the conversation moving like he didn’t say anything. Yesterday morning, he was playing around like he didn’t want to sex. I woke up (LATE) and figured since I was already late for work I might as well get me some, but he was playing stingy. So I got pissed. And this one I couldn’t hide because I don’t like you playing w/my sex drive. When I want to screw, I want to screw! No buts about it! Gimme what I want! I got out of bed and he’s like “OK OK I’m just playing”. I looked at him, and turned back around to my closet to (acting like I was) pick out something to wear. I was LIVID! He kept telling me to ‘come back to bed’ (I love John Mayer). I ignore him and walked towards the bathroom. He jumped up and grabbed me, and then I gave in…………….I can’t resist him.

But I know he’s not ready to commit, and I ‘m fine with that. But for how long? How long can I wait? How long would you wait? I think he does want to be with me, he’s just scared. He’s horrible at expressing his feelings, which is another endearing trait of his. But that in itself gets annoying because I don’t understand how a “grown-up” can’t communicate. He says that I’m good for him, and he doesn’t want to disappoint me. He doesn’t want me to be mad at him. Should I be patient, and just allow this to grow? Should I just say screw it and move on before I get too attached? What should I do?

Update on Weight Matters

2007-06-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

I've enjoyed the detox phase of this diet that I've decided to use this as the basis for what I'm trying to accomplish. Before I give you my plan, let me update you. I started this "diet" Tuesday, May 29th and my official weight this morning was 6 lbs less than this time last week!!!!
It was HARD AS SHIT! for the first 3 days and I was a mess. I was having headaches, I was tired, moody, etc. So I modified the diet. It's something like this now:
I fix 2 bowls (appx40oz) of mixed fruit (including watermelon, cantelope, strawberry, banana, granny smith and red delicious apples, navel oranges, pinapples, and nectarines). I eat one for breakfast (AFTER MY DAYUM LATTE!) and the other for lunch. In between those two bowls, if I feel the need I'll get 1 1/2 handful of lightly salted peanuts. After lunch, if I feel the need again I'll get another handful of nuts. For dinner I'll either eat a bowl of broccoli or green beans, and 2 slices of wheat bread, or a 3rd bowl of fruit.

So what I've decided to do is eat fruit & veggies M-F and over the weekends add in a little something extra. Since the weather has been pretty good around here, it's not hard to eat fruit all day, and the grocery store has a nice selection of fruits so I'm going to try and stick this out for as long as I see results. 1 more lbs and I'll be out of the danger zone and half way to my goal. Hopefully this time next week I'll be sharing that good news with you!

Wish me luck :)

He's falling but doesn't want to

2007-06-04T12:49:00.000-04:00

Guy #2…..What can I say? Where should I start? I told you that there wasn’t an emotional attachment to either guy. We hung out; we were attracted to each other. Things happened, and we kept moving on. I wasn’t into Guy #1, so I hadn’t seen him anymore after that night. Guy #2 is a different story. We were into each other, physically and otherwise. He’s a great guy! He’s one of those guys that will walk up behind you, wrap his arms around your waist, lay his chin on your shoulder, and it makes you feel so safe and warm. I truly adore this guy. BUT, I tried to make sure a certain “distance” was kept. After all, I am still getting over the “breakup of 06” and can admit that I’m not ready to give myself to anyone on that level this soon. But having that one person you can talk to for hours, hang out with, and have great sex without any stress, drama, or BS feels good.

He’s also getting over a relationship that ended after 7years (I think) last summer. He told me when we first started talking that he wasn’t ready to be in another one, which I could totally respect.

Afterall, (per Charlotte - SATC) for every breakup, your recovery time should total up to half of the term of the relationship? So, it’ll take him at least 3.5 years to recover, right? So, I wasn’t expecting anything from him. /sarcasm

BUT, he’s caught feelings, so he’s said. He doesn’t know how to handle these feelings and is sending out mixed messages which I HATE.

Why can’t we just leave well enough alone? Why can’t things just be simple? Why are YOU catching feelings? Shouldn’t it be me falling all quick? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should just bounce or if I should stick around, and help him work out his anxieties. He’s been trying to feel me out for over 2 months now. But I’m not sure if I want to get all in my feelings.

OH WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????????????

Cryptic Phone Call

2007-06-01T13:00:00.000-04:00

Last night starting around 11pm I began getting phone calls from a restricted number. Now I am notorious for not answering my phone, especially if you block your number. So if you are calling me past dark, and I don't know who you are, I'll hit "ignore" and keep it moving. No one I want to talk to will call me late and unidentified. The last call was at 3:19am, when he finally decided to leave a VM. It was cryptic in nature, and took me a minute to realize that it was "Guy #1":-O......I had decided that I wasn't going to talk anymore about him. But this VM tripped me out, so I feel compelled to fill you all in. Guy #1 was a guy I was with in high school. He'd claimed to have some seriously deep feelings for me and that I hurt him. I, however, vaguely remember anything about the relationship or how it ended. The one thing I did remember is he had the biggest d*ck I'd ever experienced. One of the reasons I decided to sleep with him again was to find out if it was as big in my adult life as it was in my teen years.

I was hesitant about going through with my thoughts because he kept trying to reminisce on things that happened back in the day, and like I said I don’t remember NOTHING! But he caught me one day. I didn’t have anything to do and was bored. He stopped through, and things were innocent enough, but that thought lingered in the back of my mind. So as you know, it happened, and you know the results. Now mind you this was MONTHS ago!

So I’d been getting little cute text messages here and there. Requests to see me again. He wants to take me out. He wants us to get together. And the only time I’d get a phone call was when he was drunk. Then he’d ramble on and on about us and how good we could be. These calls reminded me of why I stopped talking to him in high school. He’s a FUCKING DRUNK (and was back then)! A hostel drunk at that! So our last phone conversation was approximately 2 weekends ago. He once again called drunk, talking about how he couldn’t take not seeing me, not talking to me, he wants me, yada yada yada. I told him I was sleeping (lying trying to get him off my phone) and told him I’d talk to him later. He got agitated, mumbled something incoherently, and then tried to hang up on me. He fumbled with the phone trying to hang it up and I heard “BITCH” then he finally hung up. About 3 days later I sent him a text simply saying “So I’m a bitch now, huh?” but hadn’t gotten a reply. Until his cryptic VM last night.

He said something like he felt he should call me (at 3 in the morning); he thought it’d be best to turn his phone off. He doesn’t know what I mean by my text because he’d never call me a bitch, and I don’t have to call him again (I hadn’t called but 1 or 2 times anyway and not at all since “the night”). Then he says he’ll call me…But WhY? Just leave it alone.

Why can’t I just find a man who had his head securely planted onto his shoulders? A man who works hard, and plays even harder. A man who loves life and is ready to be in a committed relationship without drama, bullshit, or any of that extra crap that I just can’t tolerate. WHERE IS HE?????????????????????????????

I guess since I’ve given the 411 on Guy #1, you wanna hear about Guy #2, right? Well, maybe but not right now- I have to go and get some more fruit. I also have an update on Mr. Pussy- but that’ll have to wait too.

My liquid crack

2007-05-29T14:45:00.001-04:00

Ok, so approximately 6 hours into my detox and I've cheated already.....I had a tall non-fat latte for lunch. I'm so WEAK!

Weight Matters

2007-05-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

I've been in an ongoing war with my weight since 2002. During (and after) my pregnancy, I gained very close to 50lbs. I was successful enough to get down to 5 lbs of my pre-baby weight about 2 years ago, and was very close to accomplishing my goal but my gallbladder attacked me and after having that removed my motivation died down. I assumed that I could just maintain and would be fine. Well last week my lovely mother says to me "You are picking all your weight back up". I brushed her off but that comment stuck in my head all day. I hadn't been on a scale in about 6 or 7 months, but her comment forced me to check out my weight and I wanted to cry! I just knew the scale was wrong, but I had just put a new battery in and tested it with a 5lb bag of potatoes.
So here I am, once again, about to go to battle. I'm giving myself 1 month and my goal is to lose 15lbs. Pray for me, because for the next 9 days I'll be on a detox plan eating only fruit and veggies. I can do this, it's not that hard. The only thing is I CAN'T HAVE MY LATTE!!!!!!!! I am going to go through extreme depression. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to avoid it. HELP ME! PLEASE :(

My Starbuck's experience

2007-05-09T12:34:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a STARBUCKS fiend. I MUST have a grande, 180 degree, no-fat, no-foam latte each and every morning in order for my day to go right. I am a Starbucks regular and have met many acquaintances over the years at Starbucks that share my obsession. It’s like my own ‘Cheers’, where everyone knows your name. But in this case, it’s everyone knows your freakishly specific specialty coffee order. I walk in and non connoisseurs look very baffled as my order is called out to a new barista. Of course I’m a regular so the majority of time they begin preparing my order the moment I walk through the door and all I have to do is pay (sometimes), tip, and leave. I don’t have to say a word (other than the casual “GOOD MORNING!” or “How’s it going 2day” to the cashier). I’ve had an experience where a man said “A woman after my own heart! I LOVE YOU!” because he heard my order which was exactly how he orders his.

My personal obsession started about 4 years ago, but this past year has been very interesting. The barista’s and cashiers at the Starbucks I go to before work seem to have become very attached to me. They are so happy to see me every morning, give me free stuff, and are just very personable towards me. They know me by name, which forced me to learn their names (only polite) and I even brought them Valentines Day treats. Over the past 2 months, I started frequenting a Starbucks closer to my home, versus this one which is closer to my job. I happened to stop into the older Starbucks Monday and you would think I was a freaking celebrity. A barista ran up to me, hugged me, and would not let me go. It was a weird experience. I didn’t realize how much of an effect I could have on someone who makes my coffee every morning. He kept asking where I’ve been and when I told him I was going to another Starbucks he said he was putting in a transfer to that one. This guy really missed me! It was too cute.

Which would you prefer?

2007-05-07T13:28:00.000-04:00

So here’s a scenario… You have 2 guys. There’s NO emotional attachment to either. Guy 1: Has a d&ck so big and long that when he’s completely inside of you and can’t go any further, there’s still several inches of manhood outside? I mean the girth is unimaginable and the length is unbelievable. His penis alone gives you so many orgasms that YOU start singing Ludacris’ “Waterfalls” over and over in your head. His oral is just as good and he uses his tongue in ways that normally wouldn’t even turn you on. This guy could easily be considered the BEST f*ck you’ve ever had, hands down.

Enters Guy 2: He’s a very quiet and shy person. He has gentle touches that make you tingle from your toes through the depths of your v.walls J. He eats you with the most passion you’ve EVER felt and makes your eyes roll so far back that you fear they won’t return. He hold you so tightly, yet so gentle. He gives you multiple orgasms before he ever penetrates you. Then when he does decide to he makes you come over and over again. Once you are done, you are completely satisfied and ready to go to sleep.

So, which would you want? I would love to f*ck w/Guy 1 a couple of times, but overall- I’d EXPECT those types of responses. I’d EXPECT that he beat it up, make me shriek in sheer delight, then LEAVE. After I’d had my final orgasm, I’d want him to be gone so I can change my sheets and go into a dead sleep. But Guy 2 would be my pick. I want to be completely and totally satisfied. I want to be brain fucked, I want internal and external O’s, and then I want to cuddle up under him and bask in the joy of what’s just happened. Sad thing is while Guy 2 is in huge demand, he’s short in supply. There aren’t a lot of long dong don’s either, but there is something about a man who understands a woman’s psyche enough to know exactly how to touch her. He pays attention to her reactions, and plays off them. It’s wonderful to come across a man who worships and cherishes a woman’s O. WOW!

15 and on drugs

2007-02-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

I am baffled! I mean completely outdone right now. I’ve seen tv shows, lifetime specials, and movies of the week that put out there young kids that get strung out on drugs at an early age, but I just found out my 15 year old cousin was on Ecstasy and Cocaine. She also smoked weed. I have a vision of all kinds of horrible things that may have happened to this girl. And I don’t know what to do. She just finished rehab, and swears that she wants to do right now, but dayum! COCAINE! Shit- My mind is all screwed up! She should be skipping classes, crushing on little boys, going to the malls and hanging out. But instead this girl has lived such a hard life. I want to reach out to her, but I’m hesitant. I am at a serious fork in the road right now. What do I do? Do I try to help her stay clean? Or do I leave her to do for herself?

I am going to divorce my family- the ungrateful bastids!

2007-01-24T13:01:00.000-05:00

I have a fully DISfunctional family. And let me start this by first saying that I know very well that I have issues myself, so I tend to keep my negative views of others to myself. But stupidity has reached an all time high in my family, and I think it's time to jump ship on these muthaf*ckas.

I called myself being a good person, and opening my home up to my 5 year old cousin, who's currently in fostercare. She and her 2 year old brother have been in fostercare for the past year, and my mother wanted them placed in the family. She'd been trying to take care of this for months, and when social services finally decided that they would allow the kids to go with her, the little boy turned 2, and they indicated that the kids couldn't share a room. My mom has a 2 bedroom home. So, I say, since I am with my mom all the time, I'll take the girl, my mom can take the boy, and they won't actually be "split up" because they'll spend a lot of time together during the week and every weekend. The social worker aggreed to this arrangement, and was going to make the recommendation to the courts this past tuesday but until the arrangements were finalized, the kids stay with my mom on the weekends.

They warned me that the girl had some issues, one being she touched her little brother inappropriately. It happened once, and she had seen a counselor for it. So I told them that we would try to work with her, and them to make sure that she understands that kind of behavior isn't acceptable, yada yada yada. But I let them know well in advance that if she harmed my daughter (and my daughter WILL TELL) all bets were off.

Sunday, I'm talking to my daughter (as I always do) and we are having our parent child discussion on who can and cannot touch you and when and where they can and cannot. So I ask (as I ALWAYS DO) if anyone has touched her in a bad spot. She tells me yes. So my heart DROPS! and as I get the information out of her, apparently this little girl went into the bathroom on my daughter and tried touching her private area. My baby told her to get out and she wouldn't, so my daughter told her cousin (who was watching them at the time) but she said that the little girl was in the bathroom looking at her and wouldn't get out. He went and got the little girl, and told her to stay out the room, but didn't think any more of it because my daughter didn't tell him what she tried to do to her. She waited and told me.

So I called him and asked him what happened, and he told me (what I just said) and I called my mom and told her that I wasn't getting the little girl. She suggested I tell my cousin (the little girls father) so that he hears it from me instead of the social worker. I didn't agree, because if he was on his shit, he would have his kids anyway, but I call him anyway. I tell him what happened, and he asked if I'd talked to his child- I'm shocked for a minute, and hesitantly say "no". He's like "well, I need to talk to her and hear her side". FOR WHAT? like she's going to admit to you that she did it!!!!!!

So I call the social worker the next morning, who inturn calls the foster parent and tells her what happened. She (the foster parent) asks the little girl what happened, and asks her to tell the truth. She admits it and says she did it because my baby kept telling on her and she wanted to get her in trouble.

But her father and grandmother both feel that I was wrong for calling the social worker, and I shouldn't have backed out but instead tried to work it out... UH, hello- what kind of fu*ked up thinking is that? This is NOT my child. I have a kid, and I have let all of them know that although I would help, I will not allow my child to be put in any kind of harms way. The little girl hasn't even moved with us yet and she's acting out- maybe I'm overthinking here, but that's just the beginning of shit, right? Say I "ignore" this, and let her move with us, and she does actually harm my baby- or teach my baby that ignorant bs and my baby does it to someone else? Then WHO's at fault? Is it the irresponsible parents, who allowed their kids to be placed in foster care anyway because they are not fit? Or, is it the grandmother, who didn't want the kids? NO! It would be me for ignoring the shit when it first happened! So I told my mom, I am going to curse them out and they can all go to hell, because no one is more important than her and her health- PERIOD! The ungrateful bit*hes didn't even thank me for helping out to begin with!

So he calls himself blocking me!

2007-01-22T14:51:00.000-05:00

2k7 = change. My new motto. A major change is getting rid of someone who I've held onto for years now. So I changed my number, blocked him from IM, asked him to stop contacting me and deleted my Myspace profile.

How about this dude calls himself blocking me from IM and myspace. Guess he wanted to beat me to the punch. HA! What ever- go fuck yourself. You've been replaced and upgraded- no looking back

Would you "PAY" to screw Mike Tyson?

2007-01-22T11:38:00.002-05:00

I heard that Heidi Fleiss (sp) is opening a male Brothel in Vegas, kinda like the kitty ranch (i think that's the name of it) that's on HBO. So women who go to Vegas can go and get their freak on with men of your fantasies. So I propose a question (LOL gotta love that Raheem Devaughn):
Anyone wanna f*ck Mike Tyson? Cuz from what I hear, he's gonna be in the line up.
I have to admit- I'm a bit intrigued. I mean, even though he's known as a rapist, wife beating, nutcase- there is just something about that man that would lead me to that place. I wouldn't have the nerve to "buy" him, but I would want to hang around just to see what kind of women would actually do it. And truthfully- his body is still to this day a model of a greek god
Road trip anyone? Afterall- what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas

Dish of the day: Interracial Dating anyone?

2007-01-22T11:38:00.001-05:00

Who would? Who wouldn't? And if you would- what race/religion would you absolutely NOT date? Arab? White? Indian? What were your experiences if you have dated outside of your race? Share with me ladies.

It's just amongst friends

Let's talk- Sex & the City's "Mr. P*ssy"

2007-01-22T11:37:00.001-05:00

I loved Sex & the City for various reasons, but probably the main one was their ability to over exaggerate every dayum thing. Like, take season 2 episode 15 where Charlotte dates "Mr. Pussy". This is a guy who is known for eating pussy. I mean, that's all he does. No sex, no dating, he'll just eat out, for hours and hours. He was known for having a good word of mouth. How crazy is that? Or is it? I mean, does a guy like that exist? Could that happen in real life? A guy that doesn't want to have sex. He gets his kicks from eating you until you pass out. And what would you do if you came across Mr. Pussy? Charlotte wanted to date him, but was reprimanded. She was told that you don't DATE Mr. Pussy. You get your kicks off, and set him free so that other women have the chance to experience him. But at what point in your life do you decide that you want more! I mean- ok, yeah I would love to have orgasm after orgasm after muthafuckin orgasm and pass out, with him only using his tongue....but I know me- I need so much more. And besides, can you stomach being seen with someone in public who has that stigma attached to him? Insecurities would kill me- lol!

Sooooo, ladies- have you came across your Mr. Pussy?

He's still calling- now he needs my "computer expertise"

2007-01-22T11:36:00.001-05:00

So back in October I think it was I was complaining about the ex that won't quit. Well I thought he got the point, because I hadn't heard from him in about 2 months. YAAAAYYY for me, NOT! I get a call, and pick up the phone without looking at the caller id- it's HIM! *sigh*. Convo's something like this:

HIM: I need your computer expertise
ME: *dead silence*
HIM: I can't get my ipod to download. *starts to ramble about the issue and yada yada yada*
since I see that he really has an issue, I decide to not be a bitch (I wasn't in a bad mood that day) so we start to try to work through the issue. But I tell him upfront that not only do I not own an ipod, I've never seen the itunes software, so I don't know if I'll be able to figure it out without seeing it. WHY DID I SAY THAT? After about 10 mins- my patience wore thin and I tried to end the convo, saying I couldn't tell what the problem was.
HIM: Well, can you come over and fix it for me
ME: *dead silence*
HIM: I'm serious, no games, I'll pay you for your time
ME: *thinking now* ok, I may stop by tomorrow (totally bullshitting just to get off the phone)
HIM: OK, Cool!

So of course he's out of my mind no sooner than I hang up the phone- but alllll weekend long I got text messages, "you forgot about me?" "you coming?" "I'll try tomorrow" then yesterday morning I get a "Please call me" I respond (finally) "Bzy, call l8r"

He calls me- again I'm not paying attention to the caller ID, I answer- and he has NO mention of the Ipod- but instead wondering why I didn't call and wish him a happy birthday. Maybe because I don't give a fuck about you! Maybe that's why! dammit! I am 99.9% sure I'm going to change my number now. I've already went through and cleaned out unnecessary phone numbers- but I guess that doesn't help if they can still call you, huh?

2K = CHANGE and that's going to be my first (well 2nd) major change......

My Girls- Part Deux

2007-01-22T11:35:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I have a TON of work that I need to do, and I took a lot of time to write yesterday's blog. BUT I have to take some time to finish my dedication to My Girls. I have some of the most down chicks ever! And it's so funny because during my teen years I was such a loner. I didn't trust girls and wasn't like by many. But adulthood brought some women into my life that makes me wish I could have had them around earlier in life.

My BMORE Chicks!

I moved to Bmore back in '03 and met Taa and Bmore in the weirdest way- a MESSAGE BOARD! Truthfully, had I been in Cleveland I'd never ever done it but relocating to a new place forced me to be creative and a bit more open to situations. I bonded with Taa and Bmore for very different reasons, but we are all similar in a lot of ways. And these girls make sure they give it to me straight, with no chaser. Regardless to the situation, I know that they are going to be direct, and give no bullshit. They are some evil heffas!!!! ROFLMBAO

Taa- Bmore and I always joke with her and say she's the grandma. She is very nurturing to my daughter and always has a very serious demeanor. She's the youngest out of our Bmore crew (that slowly diminished from a group of, what 10) but is happily married and I admired her for that. I also loved the fact that she TOOK her husband!!!!! LOL- she trips me out every time she tells the story. I know I can always talk to her and get good advice about relationships, and I'd take her advice seriously, because- well, she's married and I'm not so she must be doing something rightJ. She even went to a reggae club because I was dying to go, even though she HATES it!!!!!!! You could see the disgust on her face the whole time, but she endured (for as long as she could), just so that I could enjoy myself.

Bmore- That's my twin! I swear I thought I was a 1 of a kind until I met this girl. And the funniest thing is I just knew we were gonna bump heads because of how I first saw her. We were at a group outing at the Cheesecake factory (I don't know if you remember this Bmore) but my phone rung- and I had the "Sex & the City" ringtone (I have Carrie fever). Someone said, "Bmore loves that show too! Bmore, she has the Sex & the City ringtone" and Bmore looked at me like I wasn't even there. She looked right through me and didn't say anything to the other person either. So, me- I'm like "This bitch right here!" But I kept my cool, because I was in a new place with new people. Well, I'm glad that I didn't take that "nonlook" personal because this girl ended up being my personal Baltimore tour guide. And we realized we had so much in common. We share last names (until this September when she becomes an Orange- I still say we make him take our name), we both will snap on a mutha-fucka real quick. She's an accountant, which I wanted to be soooooo badly until I took that 1^st course. We are Sex and the City addicts. Oh, and we both LOOOOVVVVE Reggae- which I think was the deal maker. She got me to go to church (which is a BIG thing for me). She always made sure I had somewhere to go during holidays so that I wasn't alone. She made sure she checked up on me when I had surgery. And she got PISSED as hell at me when I said I didn't want to have a going away gathering when I left in April. She didn't talk to me for a month, but she did come to see me off and was sad that I'd left. Well, she's leaving me and the singles network to join Taa and the Married Club, but hopefully her husband will accept me as the sister in law from hell J that's always trying to corrupt his wife. It's a good thing we have already bonded. I'll just make him some fish and spaghetti and he'll be cool.

Speaking of Fish and Spaghetti- remember the Fish Fry's? We had some good times! Y'all had me drinking them dayum Smirnoff's! And Keddie's ass was @ Giant at 12 in the morning trying to get more food to cook! LOL…..

And the Sex & the City finale party we had…AND the Girls Superbowl party! Y'all gave me a life in Bmore I tell ya!

Kwanzaa- My Babygurl! This girl has to have the purest heart. She's so sweet; so polite. So fucking NICE! If I didn't know any better, I'd think that she was putting on the biggest front- but knowing her for the past 10 years, I know that she's 100% real. We've been through some stuff too, which let's me know that this friendship is life long. We've argued, stopped talking to each other, been roommates, taken road trips, gotten into a car accident, and shared our deepest secrets, which have never been repeated. And even though we live in different states, we talk almost EVERY single day. And she does stuff that only Kwanzaa can do that always leaves me thinking "That's Kwanzaa"… like last night I get a text message at 11pm saying "NY from flava of love show comes on next Monday on vh1". Um, ok? But- I just shook my head, said "That's Kwanzaa for you" and laughed. I call Bmore my twin, I'd have to call Kwanzaa is my yang….. She's the complete opposite of me, but keeps me balanced and in tune with positiveness. She always manages to see the brighter side of some real fucked up shit. And I love her dearly for that.

The Queen Bee- She's one of my 2 oldest female friends that I'm still in touch with. I remember when I was younger I used to want to be like her. She was the coolest bitch I knew, and always made you feel like you were cool too (even though I was a young cornball trying to keep up!) We'd lost touch over the years, but we always tend to make sure we know how to get in touch with each other.

Bratt- Bratt is an almost replica of Kwanzaa. Another very nice, pleasant, and sincere chick. How'd I find 2 of 'em? LOL- Bratt and I worked at the same company for a couple of years and she's a good person.

Finally- I have to add in the 2 little sisters of Kwanzaa and The Queen Bee: Santwinaa and Princessa
The sisters of my best friends of course end up being my little sisters. I've seen Princessa grown from a long skinny annoying girl (smile) to a very beautiful mature young lady! And although I met Ms Santwinaa when she was already grown, she's still a very sweet girl too!

I tell you the truth- I used to want to have sisters growing up…. But never did I realize that I'd end up with these 8 girls (plus 2 more that aren't on myspace)…… Woulda thought I'd have so many bitches in my corner!!!!!!!!!

Alright- gotta run now!

"I don't want to be in a relationship"

2007-01-22T11:34:00.000-05:00

I'd been dealing with the fact that the person I thought was truly my soul mate and made for me and only me was just a figment of my imagination. The bond that I though was there actually wasn't and it was time to let go of that dream and move the fuck on. It was VERY hard at first. I was crushed beyond belief, and for the very first time, I felt a part of me being ripped out. He and I have been on and off for several years, but I've never felt this pain, and I finally realize that I am feeling it because this time, is finally the last time. It's time to let go, and move on, and allow someone into my life who wants to be with me and who loves me for me. (Short version for those that don't know- he said he didn't want to be in a relationship. Thought he did, he tried, but he doesn't want it.)

So in an effort to occupy my mind with OTHER things, I started pulling out CD's that I hadn't listened to in a while and came across 2 very powerful songs that spoke to me in ways that only Mary J. has been able to do in the past! LOL- for those that know me, they know that in my mind- nobody can talk to me like Mary. I've been listening to these songs so much that there are certain parts that I constantly keep repeating- the statements are just POWERFUL and are so much my situation that I had to share them.

Before we go any further: Please believe- I'm not in a depressed state. I'm good! Shit was hard as hell at first, but my motto is "2K7 = Change" and shit's about to change! Now I cannot lie- I will love that man for the rest of my life…. that's real talk. But it's time for me to fall IN love with the man I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with.

Now on to the songs……

"Hell No"

Monica- The Makings of Me

Hell no, you say you don't want it no more

Hell no, you say you can't give me what I want,

Hell no, How you just gonna leave when I stayed with you through hard times and you cheated

Hell no, I hate to say it but I need it

Hell no, god please talk to me

Hell no, This so called love was so deep it told you that you should run far and not give a damn about me

How could you leave me when you see me desperately in need of love- We've been here before?

I cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to ever let it go

Damn baby I can see if we've never been through shit before but we've been down this road

How could you leave me baby, please my heart is bleeding for the beat we had before, How could you…..

Damn I need you,

I wanna laugh wanna stand wanna get just 1 more chance just to see you

All my friends, all my kin say Mo just let that end but I breathe you

In the drive way, I found pictures on the ground of our 1^st date

"I never in a million years thought this would be me. I'm trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks I'm somebody special"

Look at me!

OK- so I don't even know where to start. I can't say that I'm a Monica fan. To me, she's a little too young for me to be able to feel, but this song right here- woah! How can she just put out a song talking about me like that? LOL…… I mean seriously, let's take this verse by verse

Hell no, you say you don't want it no more
- Uhhh, I guess I don't have to explain that one

Hell no, How you just gonna leave when I stayed with you through hard times and you cheated
- Ok, so I stuck it out. I traveled because he couldn't (or I guess now that I look back he WOULDN'T). I dealt with …ALL KINDS OF SHIT! But he takes the easy way out and just gives up

I cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to ever let it go
- Over the years I never wanted him completely out of my life. I always knew that we'd be together. Somehow, some way….

Damn baby I can see if we've never been through shit before but we've been down this road
- Like I said- we've been off and on for years. We've (I've) faced some difficult shit, but somehow it seemed the love never died

wanna get just 1 more chance just to see you
- If only……on second thought, I might slap the dog shit out of him so never mind

All my friends, all my kin say Mo just let that end but I breathe you
- I BREATHE YOU! 'nuff said

"I never in a million years thought this would be me. I'm trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks I'm somebody special"
- Never thought it'd happen to me! I wouldn't fall for somebody who doesn't want me. Please! I'm too good to do something that stupid

"Ex-Factor"

Lauryn Hill- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

It could all be so simple

But you'd rather make it hard

Loving you is like a battle

And we both end up with scars

………

See no one love you more than me

And no one ever will

……….

No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain't working

And when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy

I keep letting you back in

How can I explain myself

As painful as this thing has been

I just can't be with no one else

See I know what we've got to do

You let go and I'll let go too

Cuz no one's hurt me more than you

And no one ever will

……….

Where were you, when I needed you

Now this has always been a good song to me, but just this past weekend I realized how DEEP it was. I heard the pain in her voice for the first time. I felt her… ESPECIALLY the very last sentence in the song. The shit put me in TEARS! But it was like a release, you know what I mean. Like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. She summed up the reasons I HAD to let go and move on in just 1 sentence. But lets start from the beginning:

Loving you is like a battle
- Actually loving was the easy part, it was getting him to believe that I was sincere that was a battle

See no one love you more than me And no one ever will
- I put that on EVERYTHING! No one will ever be more passionate, sincere, just completely down for him and everything about him- PERIOD

No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain't working
- 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I should have known, that's how it was back in the day- why would it change?

And when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy
- We could have been done with this so many times, and every time- it was HIM that couldn't drop it. Even this last time, he started this shit up. I was minding my own business in Baltimore and he comes calling

I keep letting you back in how can I explain myself. As painful as this thing has been I just can't be with no one else
- Over and over and over- from 1999 until now I never wanted to let go. I never let anyone else in. Hell, even Tseday's father knew he was fighting a loosing battle.

See I know what we've got to do, You let go and I'll let go too
- TRUTH! It's time

Cuz no one's hurt me more than you, And no one ever will
- I played that part right there over and over and over….. I can't say that I've ever been truly HURT by a guy, because I wouldn't let him get that close to me. And you can't hurt me if I don't care about you. But this dude, man…….. I guess it's karma

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU
- It's a wrap! I'm not even going to discuss the situation I was dealing with when he decided that he didn't want to be in "a relationship" but let's just say that he did during a real fucked up time. So I'd rather not deal because if he could pull something like that during that time, shit- he doesn't have my back or my best interests in his heart.

So like I said- I'll love him til the day I die. He's my first love, and I was blessed to be able to experience it- but it's time to move on…

my girls! Part I

2007-01-22T11:32:00.000-05:00

disclaimer: This blog was originally in Myspace- but I decided to delete my page and move in here. I've copied all my posts over (including this one)......

So I've been trying to come up with another lovely blog topic- but all my thoughts seem to come back to men, or should I say my man- the wonderful man that he is (sometimes).... But I've finally decided to give tribute to my chicas!!!!! The wonderful women that I've been blessed with. Some have dealt with me and my many moods since early years, and some I bonded with in college. But no matter how I met you- you all have affected me in so way. So here goes: (oh, and there's a couple that aren't on myspace so they'll be nameless )

I'll start from back in da day- and while this 1st one isn't a girl- I think he deserves honorable mention

KING_MEATY: This was my heart back in the day. Met him in 8^th grade when we would terrorize the hell out of our honor's English teacher Mr Thurman! Remember that? Wow! Remember when we used to sing troops "All I do is think of you" and mock him and that dayum Edgar Allen Poe "Never more!" Those were the days! We were carefree and just hanging out. I was thinking about how I would drag you all over Cleveland with me, like you were my body guard or something. Knowing dayum well if anything ever jumped off I was gonna have to beat somebody's ass over my Meechie! Remember camp! We went, knowing good and dayum well NO BODY LIKED US! But we ended up making a couple of friends. Do you know one of the chics that HATED me big time because of big head Chris now teaches @ my baby's school? I walked in there one morning like "DAYUM! I'm gonna have to pull my baby out of here". But she's been cool. I'm glad she was able to get over what ever beef she had with me. But she sure keeps talking about how cute my lil princess is and how she's always dressed so cute, "just like her momma back in the day" (is what she says). So, I'm just keeping my eye on her right now. I was thinking about all the dumb stuff I did- like the time I went to meet a guy I'd met (over the phone) cuz he dialed the wrong number, and I took you with me. We cracked on him, because he had on Sacony's (I can't even spell the shit, but you remember!) That was so stupid of me- but you took that trip with me. We ended up not hanging so much as we got older, but I still embrace those times, and no matter what you are still my heart. I got so many memories, but I can't make this blog all about you, now can I (look at me, try not to talk about one man, and end up talking about another)

LuV iT r LeAvE it: My baby sister. Well, not biologically (she's my cousin, but she's the sister I NEVER WANTED!) She moved with my mom when she was 15, and I was away in school. I never really knew her until she moved up to Cleveland from Mississippi. But we started hanging out and I realized (although I wouldn't normally tell her this) she a lot like me. She was able to blend right in with my girls back home as well as my "prissy ass college girls. And they would have never thought she was as young as she was. She's a cool, beautiful chick (and if a certain individual who will remain nameless hurts her I WILL HURT YOU!) and she has a lot to offer. I think she's realizing that now and that's going to make her even fiercer than she already is. I'm blessed to have her in my circle and that she is one of my BFF's

OK, this is taking much more time than I anticipated, so I'll add more 2morrow

2BContinued..................................

People finding you on Myspace

2007-01-22T11:28:00.002-05:00

Today I got the weirdest Myspace message, from a chick. So when I got the message, I'm like "Who in the fuck is this bitch?" I open the message, and it's a girl I went to high school with. Funny thing is this is the same girl who was "Best Friends" with the guy I dated during the majority of my time in college. I swore up and down, along with all the other hoe shit he was doing, that they were screwing. I wasn't feeling how they were supposed to just be friends, but I never saw her. She conveniently disappeared every time I was around. So I'm thinking to myself "Why is she writing me?"
We exchange a couple of messages, and then realize that HE didn't want us communicating because he was such a whore, and she knew so much, that he was scared she would tell something. She also told me that when I left him for some other guy (a football player she thinks) he was really hurt! HA- the irony. Anyway- we've said we are going to keep in touch. Neither of us talk to anyone we graduated with, and we are both college graduates- a rarity for my high school.

Another high school class member found me too- it was one of my honor classmates. It's funny though, I don't think I ever said more than 2 words to him. I added him as a friend, but he hasn't said anything to me, wonder if he's scared?

The FUNNIEST find though, is my VERY 1^st boyfriend! I tripped out when I saw his page! And even crazier is this guy is doing big things now. Back when we were 16, he was a prep school shy boy! Fast forward 10 years later, he's a club promoter, Que, mason, and all out party boy…. Shit is too funny! LOL

Am I expecting too much, or is he just an a**?

2007-01-22T11:28:00.001-05:00

I try very hard not to talk badly about my daughter's father. After all, I was possessed enough to get knocked up by him, right? For a split second, I thought he was the greatest man alive. But shit went sour, and we parted ways. And truthfully, since the child support order went through 2 years ago, we have not had 1 single disagreement. He knows his daughter is well taken care of. He has full access to her, and I'm even very polite to the woman he's shacking up with. Hell she and I have even worked out at the gym together, once, totally coincidentally.

But I break my back to do extra-curricular activities with my Pretty Princess. I take her to Sesame Street live. I take her to the horse barn, so she can get riding lessons. I take her to gymnastics classes. I take her to ballet lessons. I basically spoil the shit out of her, which she deserves. I dish out a LOT of extra cash, just to make sure she has a full and active life. You know, give her everything that I wasn't able to have.

So today, I decided to go ahead and get the tickets for the circus for her to go next week. He calls while I'm en-route, and I tell him what's up. He immediately sounds interested, as if he's pushing for an invite to join us. Inquires how much the tickets cost, I tell him and conversation moves on, but of course, he's not invited ……I'm back at work, and get an email that the Doodlebops are going to be in town on the 29^th. But I'm already taking her to the Circus on the 26^th, and then I'll be out of town that weekend. So I call him, and say "Hey, since you can't take her to the circus, why don't you take her to see the Doodlebops. Tickets are only $10". He doesn't seem interested. But he was just interested in taking her to the circus, because that's what I WAS PLANNING ON DOING! So I say, "I can't take her, I'll be in VA and won't make it back in time to go to the show, and it's only 1 day." This ass says "Oh, it's only 1 show, she'll have other chances." So why am I pissed? I guess I shouldn't expect a man to understand how excited she'll get every time she sees them on TV and can say "Remember when I saw them!" Maybe I'm taking this personally, but Dammit I want her to go and see the Doodlebops! Hell, I wouldn't mind going to see the Doodlebops, but I can't……..So he SHOULD take her! BASTARD

The year from hell

2007-01-22T11:26:00.002-05:00

I knew 2006 would bring change. The end of 2005 wasn't so good to me, so I was mentally preparing myself for disaster this year. But damn, did it have to hit this hard?
Shall I explain? I'll start with a hit & run on the expressway one day going home from work. Good thing I got the guys license plate. He had the nerve to tell the cop that he traveled 2 miles down the road and pulled over, and waited for me. Funny thing is I went down there, trying to follow him, and didn't see him. So armed with his plate, and vehicle type, I contacted the State Patrolman. That hit & run costed his insurance company $1k, but that was also the 3rd accident my truck had been in within 1 year.
Moving right along- I got offered a job in Cleveland, a great position taking on new challenges as manager, project manager, and some other tasks I had yet to get into. So of course I accept, but the official paperwork doesn't go through until April. The entire time, I'm thinking the job isn't going to go through, but when it does, I'm conflicted, because I realized I was leaving something important. But situations being what they were, I couldn't continue staying there.
I get back to Cleveland and within the 1st month, I find out that my aunt, the only elder with common sense in my family, has been diagnosed with a rare cancer and she passed away within 4 months. During that time, my aunt in Chicago, who was in remission, developed Colon Cancer. And to top all of that off- my mother may have breast cancer .......
Yesterday, I'm driving along, minding my own damn business- and get side swiped by a big ass van. Damages totaling close to $2k.......I was smart enough to get that plate too.....but my truck is once again FUCKED UP!
So I feel like I'm all alone right now and I don't have anyone to lean on- no one to talk to- no one to vent to- no one to cry to... No body understands

Why?

2007-01-22T11:26:00.001-05:00

We are supposed to go out of town for the weekend. My mother says to me, hey- why don't you ask my homegirl to ride with us. I ask, and she's down for the trip.
So today I say to my lovely mother, "Mother, my service engine light is on. I am going to get it checked out, and depending on the problem and how much it costs me to get fixed are you willing to pay tolls & gas?" Her response: "Well, isn't Shonda going? Can't she help out with gas?" I'm confused, didn't we invite her to go on a family trip with us? Is that trifling or what? I mean, hey, come and visit my family with me, but I need you to help pay gas. I could see if she offered to help pay some expense, since she is like family anyway- but to expect or demand she split the cost is just GHETTO! My mother has some serious issues
She's starting to make me regret my decision on negating my other "trip" to take this one..... I can't even revise my weekend. I think he already has plans

Fu*king Neighbors

2007-01-22T11:25:00.000-05:00

God must be punishing me for all those loud nights in the upperclass dorm. I remember it well! Notes left in the bathroom asking politely to keep what goes on in the rooms quiet. But I couldn't help it! I mean, how would you respond to the best sex you've ever had? Which is why I moved out of the dorms, into an apartment. But even then, moans and groans of passion couldn't be quieted.
But those were moans and groans, and if that was what I had to deal with now, I wouldn't be as annoyed as I am right now. Between my next door neighbors and the people upstairs, I am going to cuss someone out! They need to learn to pad their headboards and get new mattresses, because that noise is unbearable! It's so annoyingly bad that my 3 year old daughter refuses to sleep in her room because she thinks that their are monsters in her walls that are trying to get her.
And IF it lasted for more than 5 or 10 mins, at least I wouldn't look at the guy the next day and laugh at the lack of stamina he has going. But instead I pitty their wives for the sexual deprivation they must be feeling. I mean, the love of my life is in a totally different state, but at least when I do get some I am full for about 2 weeks . I couldn't accept anything less than, well, what I'm used to (but I would never divulge details of our hot and heavy sessions ).... I hate moving, especially since I'm trying to plan for so much more important stuff. but I swear to you if they don't move the bed, pad the headboard, or something I'm going to go through the wall. Better yet, on second thought- I'll just have to show them how it's really done. That'll teach them, especially since I'm in a completely new interior building. Why for the love of god didn't they make the walls thicker and floors padded? Well, we'll see who gets the last laugh

Take 2; Take 3; Take- NO that's ENOUGH!

2007-01-22T10:50:00.000-05:00

So when is enough enough? When do you finally say- I'm done! It's over! I don't want to be with you any more. And why is it that when you say that, dude decides that he wants to straighten up and fly right? Now he wants to give to you what you wanted while you were in the shit u called a relationship.
So I was involved with a guy for about 1 year while I was in Bmore. But he was in Cleveland. Long distance sucks! But he was a good guy, so I thought. He's someone that I'd known for years, and I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. I also enjoyed the fact that when I traveled back and forth, I had free access to the home, the Lexus, the cash, and anything else I needed. Who could ask for anything more? ME! Of course.

I say to him, you know- what are we doing here? You are 30 something, I'm late 20's- I'm focused right now. I've made up my mind that I don't want to be involved with random dating and screwing around just because it's something to do. He says he feels me, and is on the same page. He's too old for that shit too. OK, so COOL! Right? WRONG! The idiot asked me to set up his blackberry for him, and must have forgotten that I'm a technical bit*h! I specialize in Computers, specifically software and I'm a hacker too! I can break a motherfuc*in password in a heartbeat- if I wanted to. So he's got all kinds of juicy messages, from multiple women and when I finally decide to confront him, he gives the excuses. But I decide that I'm just not even going to deal. I'm not into him to the point where my life won't go on without him. So as of December, he was a done deal as far as I was concerned. I moved back to Cleveland in April.

Can somebody please explain to me why as of THIS DAY- does this man constantly send text messages, phone calls, emails- requsting that we see each other, dinner, movie, he wants to talk to me, to explain why things happened the way they did- but wants it to be face to face. HA! Dude- why do you think that I want your explanation NOW? I wanted an explanation back in DECEMBER! I couldn't care fuc*ing less about you now, almost 1 year later. I don't have any motivation to go out of my way to see you- you disgust me, you dog as* bit*h as* PIG! FU*K YOU and please stop calling me! Idiots like this are forcing me to really consider changing my number.

PMS is a bi*ch right now and EVERYONE is annoying me-